I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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