I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
