You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
