Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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