we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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