My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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