You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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