im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
