I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
