Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
