you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
