I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
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I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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