Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
