I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
