You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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