she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My penis needs a shock collar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
