Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
