Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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