Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
