Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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