I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
