Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
