i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
