Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
