It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
