I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
