Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
