Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
