I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
