YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
