I cannot find my penis.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
