he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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