Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
