I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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