I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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