No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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