he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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