Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sext me about skeletons
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
