I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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