does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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