She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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