Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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