The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
