If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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