your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
