I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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