You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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