Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
