Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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