He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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