we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
