Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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