Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
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Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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