Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
