my sisters under your porch take her home
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
