he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
