i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
