I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
