mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again