that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."