I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
