Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
